I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
