I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
