Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
