It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
