I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
