Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
