Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
