1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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