dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
