TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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