Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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