Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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