did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
