Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
