Moan for me like Helen Keller
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
