We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
