I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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