I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
