it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
