??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
