Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize