Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
