just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
