i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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