Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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