Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize