I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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