woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
