In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
