Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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