i already hear my dad disowning me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
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