So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
