If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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