Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
