I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
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porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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