no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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