He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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