Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
