Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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