i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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