i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
