Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
