you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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