i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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