My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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