hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
