Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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