You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
