Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
