I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So many bounce houses so little time
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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