i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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