I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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