the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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