I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
