i wish starbucks made bloody marys
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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