Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
