12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
