Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You are the jesus of drinking
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize