new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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