my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
