His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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