i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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