textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
