Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
