she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
